Silent Beginnings, Awesome Endings

Every good novel begins with a gripping sentence in chapter one, line one..."It was a dark and stormy night...".   Kids, don't try that at home, it's typically frowned upon in composition classes as being as overused and droll.  The point being, there is something interesting to draw the reader into the rest of the story.

When my kids started making their entrance into the world, I started becoming more curious about my own beginning.  It may sound strange to for me to say that, but you see, I was adopted at birth.  There are so many thoughts and emotions that surround having been adopted. Most folks who were raised by their biological families don't really understand those issues...understandably, they don't make sense.  After all, my parents CHOSE me, and you had to take what you got, right?  Those thoughts and feelings, though well meaning, don't really help salve the heart of the adoptee.  What goes hand-in-hand with being 'chosen' by a couple who turned out to be wonderful parents, is the inescapable flip-side feeling of having been rejected.  I used the word 'feeling' intentionally, because there are a myriad of reasons why children are put up for adoption.  I know this about adoptees...whatever the reason is for the adoption, it is translated somewhere deep in the soul as a rejection.   It's a wound that unless identified and faced head-on, will haunt the unconscious and WILL be medicated somehow (not necessarily pharmaceuticals) to ease that silent pain.  Perhaps there are those who don't experience  the same, but they are few in number.

I realize that sounds like an excuse to have a pity party,like justification for medicating or some such thing...but I assure you it is not.  I'm thankful that I came to understand these things throughout my life.  I remember in school growing up when kids would talk about family histories and the like, I could only trace my lineage back to October, 1960 when I came to live with my folks.  It's almost as if all of a sudden you just appear on someone else's family tree as a grafted branch.  There's something about bloodlines that are important to people...a different kind of personal connection with history.  Why do you think genealogies are such a huge deal now...think about the pride you feel for those who accomplished great things in your family's history.  I couldn't really feel that.


Mom and Dad were wanting to adopt another child since they were unable to conceive on their own.  They shared the same doctor as the woman who felt it necessary to provide a better home for the child she was carrying.  The doctor arranged it and turned it over to an attorney to consummate.  It was relatively simple back then.  By the way, one of the reasons I have such strong feelings about 'at will' abortions for any and every reason is that I could have been one of those statistics.  One advantage that I had over others who have been adopted...I am a twin, and my twin brother and I were raised together.  It was a surprise to everyone, as the arrangements were made pre-birth for Mom and Dad to adopt A child.  When asked if they wanted us both, Mom quickly responded that she wouldn't dream of splitting us up.  I'm glad for that because I did experience life from the beginning with one blood relative...and that's huge.

I always knew I was a little different from everyone else because of that.  Dad's parents could never really see us as Doughertys because of it.  Mike (or now he must be called Michael...sheesh!) and I were always kind of a novelty because of being twins, but there seems to be some novelty in some people's minds about being adopted.  Somehow word gets around, even if you never say it, and people know.  And they ask questions...sometimes good questions.  I don't remember a time that I DIDN"T know I was adopted (a wise choice for adoptive parents in my mind).  I can't imagine the trauma of suddenly in my elementary school years (or later, God forbid) being blindsided with the blow that I was really adopted.  For that and many other things, I'm grateful to my parents.  On a side note, I'm also grateful for being adopted for another reason...how long does it take you when you're filling out the intake paperwork at the doctor's office?  Doesn't take me long at all...family history?  N/A!!   Saves a bunch of time!!

When my Dad was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig's disease, and the boys were very young, I began getting curious about my roots.  I wondered about what kind of health issues my sons would potentially have to deal with.  I was also simply curious about my beginnings since my Dad was going to die.  I'm not going to go into all the details, but it was a very fascinating journey in the search for my beginnings.  Thankfully Kansas has open records, so I was able to obtain my original birth certificate that provided a starting place.  My name was originally Baby Boy A.  Flattering, huh?  Kind of sounds a little like Dr. Suess...Thing One and Thing Two.  To make a long story short, it opened up the door to find out about my biological roots and help put lots of questions to rest.

Last summer I had the privilege of meeting a brother and sister for the first time.  I have another brother that I've communicated with on Facebook, another sister exists that I haven't had any communication with, and another sibling that none of us knew about until just before our meeting last summer.  Suddenly there are roots that are branching out deep and wide with cousins, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews...wow.  I have to tell you that it's as if we've always known each other in some ways, and many things we've learned about as we've continued to communicate.  Having a big sister is pretty awesome...as is having a couple of younger brothers.  It's obvious where the 'genius' comes from...it runs pretty deep in the family, and I'm sure they'll all gladly concur.  The rest of you already know something has to be running pretty deep!  There is a lifelong void that has been filled.  Questions answered.  Mike and I still don't know who our bio dad is...but that's OK.  I know what I need to know.  It's been quite a journey, and I'm much, much richer for it.

Now it means so much more.  My oldest son and his wife have started the adoption process themselves so they can start their family.  I already feel a special connection with my grandkids even though we have yet to meet.  I look forward to walking with them through their own journey, and helping them avoid some of the common pitfalls of the adoptee.  I'm so proud of my son and daughter-in-law for choosing that for themselves.

On a final note...I don't want any of this to sound like I'm not grateful to my parents.  Ray and Claudeen are who my parents are.  I don't have any other parents.  I couldn't have hand picked two better parents to put up with me throughout my life.  They were involved in our lives, loving, caring, and giving.  I'm grateful to God for them, and I miss my Dad terribly.  My story started with what seemed like a lame beginning line, but the final draft has a pretty intense first sentence....and the closing chapters are looking pretty amazing!  FG