FG's Thanksgiving Survival Guide




It's upon us.  That OTHER most wonderful time of the year.  We'll not talk about that other holiday just yet...Target stores has that covered for me...sheesh...one holiday at a time, people!  I feel like I'm a little behind the eight ball with this guide because I've already had two Thanksgiving meals.  My oldest son and his wife has already had 3.  And we're not finished yet.  I'm sitting here in my sleep clothes, laying on the couch with my laptop on my lap (clever name for a computer), barely able to see over my dinner filled belly so that I might see the characters flowing so fluidly out of my fingertips onto the screen.  Getting past the mountainous obstacle of my midsection is only the first challenge.  The next one is my slowly-going-blind eyes that almost can't distinguish one letter from another.  Any typos I'll blame on autoconnect...autoneglect...dang it, on Karen (you're welcome, Karen!).  That was for you, Juli.

I've always wanted to be of service to my fellow man in one form or fashion.  So for this Thanksgiving Day that is upon us, I felt it appropriate to begin the framework of a survival guide for Thanksgiving.  I'll tell you up front, it's just the first draft.  It's something to build upon for subsequent years we share together in the blogosphere during the holidays.  Without further adieu, I present to you FG's Thanksgiving Survival Guide 101.  We'll take a brief look at each segment of the day:


. 
  1. Preparing for the day
  2. Pre-gluttony
  3. The turkeyfest
  4. Post meal

Preparing for the day

You should probably start preparing a kit for this big day.  I'm going to suggest a few items that should be helpful.

1.  Loose fitting clothes is a must.  I recommend going with something a size or two over your typical clothing size so that it both provides a slimming look, and allows for expansion.  You WILL eat too much.  Make sure you wear a shirt that will be long enough to accommodate hiding the evidence of unbuttoning/snapping your pants without giving away more than you wish to.  Elastic waistbands are optional accessories.  It's all about looking good while you pig out.

2.  Your own pillow for the afternoon nap when you're away from home.  For the inevitable passing out sometime in the afternoon,  nothing beats the old familiar pillow.  Besides, it's not great to drool on someone else's pillow.  Throwing your pillow on the most comfortable napping spot in the living room early in the day guarantees the optimum spot later on in the day, kind of like a purse in the pew at church, or the coat on the seat in the movie theater.  Mark your territory early.

3.  Earplugs...Aunt Mabel always has stories.  She's not interested in yours, but highly interested in hers.  She's not looking for responses, she's looking for an audience.  Your Aunt Mabel may or may not have started out the day with Bloody Mary's, which may or may not have a great impact on the duration and/or pain inflicted by said stories.  Earplugs allow you to watch, nod your head appropriately, and sing the latest Maroon 5 song in your head with a smile on your face.

4. Antacids...speak for themselves, so your stomach doesn't have to.

5.  Uncomfortable shoes...so that when the fitness freak in your house wants to take everyone in the house on a walk after the meal, you will be able to honestly say that your shoes simply aren't the best walking shoes...maybe next time.

Pre-Gluttony

This is a critical time.  Preparations are being made.  There is much to be done.  Dishes must be completed.  The table must be set.  The kids table must be set up and every chair from the house brought in to accommodate everyone.  This can be an exhausting and stressful time.  Prepare in advance a list of things you have to do to get the heck out of the kitchen and dining room.  It's crazy in there.  I really can't offer too many specifics....perhaps the oil levels in the car needs to be checked.  Maybe the dog is limping and you need to make sure he's OK.  Maybe someone needs you to run to the convenience store and purchase that last minute item that was forgotten.  Make the list your own, and own it in order to be convincing.

The Turkeyfest

Pace yourself...after all, you don't have anything else to do (if you play your cards right).  Remember, you don't have to get all the food packed onto the plate the first time.  One of these days, they'll start putting deep dish plates on the table for us.  Make sure you get to the dessert table early though...you KNOW the best desserts go early.  Much like the pillow placement strategy, fill that dessert plate early and place it proudly in front of your plate at the table instead of another location out of your sight so Uncle Charley won't get confused and think it's his, thus losing your prize.  Small talk and idle chatter are not conducive to maximum consumption, so keep it to a minimum.  Aunt Mabel has you covered.  Begin no planning for post-meal.  This is critical.  You must begin to signal for the key players in preparation and cleanup all of the reasons you will be unable to dispense of the loads of dishes, leftovers, etc., that is about ready to commence.  "I'm sooooo full."  "Wow, my stomach hurts."  "I can't remember the last time I was so tired (with accompanying huge yawn - this is critical)".  These are only a few ideas.  Again, make them your own, then you must own them in order to be successful.

Post-Meal

The success of this portion of the day will only be seen if you've done well up to this point.  Pillow placed, earplugs in pocket, proper signaling during the meal...you're all set to kick back and enjoy a little football with the one eye you will keep open as you feign sleep in that comfy place you've prepared for yourself.  Make sure you position yourself in the optimal game watching position, while placing the pillow in the perfect position to catch your falling head when the tryptophan kicks in and you start drooling on your pillow.  Earplugs should be placed in position quickly with the first nod-off so as to keep the hyperactive, yelling, dessert charged nieces and nephews from disturbing your turkey slumber.  You've had a rough day, you've earned your rest. 

Preparing for the perfect Thanksgiving day can be very rewarding when done correctly.  Hopefully this guide will aid you in a very memorable and rewarding day for you.  We have a lot to be thankful for.  I hope you enjoy your family and friends, and most of all, that you take time to reflect on all the good things that God has provided us all.  We still live in one of the greatest places on the planet, the land of the free and home of the brave.  May the Lord bless your lives richly.  FG


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