The $800,005.97 Baby Gift




For some reason, I seem to wander through the toy department in stores more these days....as if the little man is needing more stuff already.  It seems like we're trying to create a whole new nation of freaking geniuses, because most of the toys anymore seem to be in the category of child development.  Toys used to be fairly open ended.  Trucks, airplanes, toy guns (we were heathens), tractors, boats...you created your own play for the most part.  Now it's pre-programmed...there are learning objectives in mind for so many 'toys' these days.  I kind of thought toys assumed fun, entertainment, smiles, creativity...not 2 year old calculus majors.

Sam is just over 2 months old now, so he's getting to be more than a sleeping, eating, poop machine.  He's starting to be able to control his movements better, attempts at dexterity are starting to appear, head movements, abdominal and neck strength is improving...now to get it to all work together.  I've always thought that there is a lot more going on in a kid's mind than his ability to physically or verbally articulate.  That's one of the goals of these developmental toys, I suppose.

The one above caught my eye.  It's about 8" in diameter, is colorful, has plenty of holes for an infant to grasp big enough for the baby's diminutive fingers, but not large enough to get his hand though.  It has a cute little pink monkey on the inside which moves around and makes noises, but is suspended in the center, not rolling around freely.  Pretty cool, right??  WRONG!!!!

After I started looking at this toy a little longer, and really thinking about it, I decided that this is one of the most cruel and inhuman toys you could ever, EVER give a little kid.  The waterboarding at Gitmo looks like a game of foursquare in the schoolyard (which carries it's own hazards....Kyle) compared to the torture coming from this seemingly innocent and helpful looking infant toy. 

Think about it...what is the kid naturally going to do?  He'll play with the ball for a while...see the pretty colors on the outside, notice the holes in the ball giving him a place to handle and ideally control the ball.  But sooner or later, that cute little pink monkey on the inside beckoning to the little kid to come play.  But don't let that evil creature fool you...he's up to nothing but monkey business...harassing your poor little kiddo mercilessly.  What is the curious and wide open, eager to learn little mind going to do?  He's going to try to get to the monkey.  He'll try one hole, then another, then another...his fingers fit through...he tries to put his hand through with clumsy motions as he's still unable to get his body to fully cooperate with his mind.

Soon the little guy starts to find out what we know from the outset, if we really notice.  HE CAN'T GET THE FREAKIN' MONKEY!!  And there that monkey is...inviting, taunting, teasing, tormenting...even smiling, nay...laughing, knowing that the little human creature on the outside of his perfectly safe and secure lair is unable to reach him as he hangs in there in cozy suspension.  Try as he might, little Junior can't achieve the ultimate dream.  I mean really...what else is that monkey doing in there except to draw the kid in!

I can see it in my mind.  The kid coos as he's given the 'toy', all smiles, bright eyes, and outreached arms as he receives it.  Shortly he discovers the inevitable.  The smile fades, the intensity in his eyes increases, the attempts at capture are getting more desperate.  Little beads of perspiration break on the forehead.  The focus on anything but that ball completely disappears.  Parental attempts at trying to retrieve the ball from Junior are futile...he's on a mission.  Soon there's a wild look in the kids eyes...perspiration turns to full blown sweat.  Grunts and groans emerge as the little veins start to pop out on the frustrated kids neck.  Wails louder than tornado sirens in Oklahoma erupt from the poor little guy.

I thought, "The only dexterity that thing would teach Sam is as he grabbed that damned ball and slammed it in complete and utter frustration against the wall...just  like his Papa would!"   The illustrious Jesse Ventura...wrestler turned governor (WTH?) said, “You give me a water board, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I'll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders."  What's gonna happen with a clutch ball, an infant, and 10 minutes??  Toy fail!!!  How is grasping for something you can never reach anything at all like real life???

The cost, however, is pretty prohibitive. But there's a rub. 

The price tag only says $5.97.  The other $800,000 is hidden fees. It's the $200  once weekly therapist appointments for the poor kid for the next 80 years.  The way I look at it, I can buy Sam a full size Chevy quad cab pickup for Christmas and save lots of money.  FG

(To the stupid toy attorneys: This is by no means an official toy review, not intended to be serious in any way, it's for entertainment purposes only...I'm sure it's a fine toy that my grandson won't get.  Get a sense of humor and get over it)





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