My Way Driving School

I’ve been threatening the launch of the school for quite some time.  Probably because of my history.  Growing up on a Kansas farm typically means you learn at a young age how to drive something.  I don’t remember what it was I began driving first.  It could have been the go kart my Dad built for us, or the minibike he built for us (Dad was really good at building things).  It could have been one of the tractors that we worked the fields with.  Whatever it was, what began on the long gravel driveways soon went on the road.   I remember learning to drive Dad’s 66 GMC pickup around the farm.  It had no power steering, no power brakes, and a “3 on the column” transmission.  Most people under about 35 probably don’t even have a clue what that is. 

Grandpa had a farm on West Street in Wichita, and as he grew older and wasn’t able to continue to work the ground, we would drive one of our tractors up from Clearwater to do it for him.  Those of you who are old enough and have a little familiarity with the farm know the “pop pop pop” of the old 2 cylinder “Johnny popper”; the John Deere “G” model as it turned over the rich topsoil in the fields.  I have fond memories of watching the plow turn over the soil behind me, dust kicking up, and swallows or gulls flying behind to pick up the fresh worms and grubs exposed by the freshly turned earth.

One of the bright spots to me was the 10 mile or so tractor drive from Grandpa’s farm on West Street back to our farm.  Road time…mmmm hmmm.  I was quite the 9 year old stud being out on the open road with the John Deere.  2 cylinders revved up, hand clutch engaged, accelerator handle cranked up all the way, and in high gear forcing at least a couple of the hairs on my head to blow in the  wind.  It taught me at a young age to pay attention to what you’re doing on the road, being aware of your surroundings.  When you’re the slowest vehicle on the road, it forces you to pay attention and attempt to be courteous.  Traffic backs up behind you quickly when you’re going at that breakneck speed, so the need to pull over at an intersection or driveway periodically keeps road rage at a minimum behind you.

Then age 14 was drawing near….the time when farm kids could get a real live drivers license.  I preferred driving with Dad.  Mom was a little too cautious for my blood.  I remember going down K-42 with Mom riding shotgun in her own car.  We were headed back home from Wichita.  The left turn that would take us onto Clearwater Road was coming up.  It wasn’t a 90 degree turn because K-42 was a diagonal road.  So the turn was about a 45 degree turn.  Apparently Mom thought I was going to take the turn a little too fast so she leaned over with her left foot and mashed the brake pedal down.  What kept me from going into a power slide and drifting around the corner, I don’t know.  I just remember she scared the crap out of me.

I was soon driving 2 ½ ton farm trucks filled with wheat to the grain elevator during harvest, pickups between farms, more tractors, combines, and swathers.  This was all before age 17.  The road conditions were always interesting.  We lived on a gravel road which when the rainstorms hit became like a mud run you see from time to time on TV.  The road graders which came to spread the gravel during the dry times left very undesirable washboard type waves in the road.  Then the mound of gravel on the side of the road after the grader came through was awesome if one wasn’t paying attention and hooked a wheel in it while driving at 50 mph down a dirt road.  We had more than one car that went through our ditch and barbed wire fence when it happened to them.  And the snow…we didn’t have snowplows to clear our roads, we went for it.  2 inches of snow didn’t paralyze our town like it does Tulsa.  So we learned how to drive through snow and ice at a young age as well.  It was either that or ride the bus, and I wasn’t about to ride the bus!

Immediately after graduation from high school, at age 17, I went on the custom harvesting circuit with a guy from  a nearby farm.  We started in southern Oklahoma harvesting wheat, and went all the way to the southern end of North Dakota where we harvested flax and millet.  On that tour, I drove a 13 speed farm truck pulling a 10 foot wide trailer containing a large combine.  It got really interesting in the Black Hills of South Dakota.  We always took advantage of the down side of the hills, building up steam so we could make it up the other side.  On one particular hill, as I crested the hill and began the down hill descent, I saw a semi coming from the opposite direction who had also crested the hill on the other side.  In the middle there was a bridge.  I knew my trailer was 10 feet wide, and his trailer was approximately that wide.  Neither of us would want to slow down to avoid potential problems on the bridge between us, because we wanted to maintain a decent speed for the hill to climb beyond the bridge.  I remember breaking into a cold sweat as we drew closer to the bridge, praying that one of us would be able to cross it before the other.  I don’t know if I closed my eyes or not, but I do remember checking my pants after crossing simultaneously with the semi.  Whew!

After that, just after turning 18, the vehicles became fire trucks.  I followed in my Dad’s footsteps and became a full time firefighter.  I remember going to the armory on south Seneca and taking my drivers test so I would have the proper license classification to legally drive them.  I had never driven a fire truck before, so my test was the first.  Thankfully, my experience on the farm helped me, as the fire truck wasn’t really much different.  The first few alarms going red light and siren were quite interesting, and quite a rush to be honest.  Captain Mac survived my driving….even after being awakened in the middle of the night for a fire alarm or rescue  call.

It was there that I also learned the importance of pulling over to the right, according to any state law I’m aware of, when emergency vehicles are responding to an alarm with lights and siren.  Seconds can make the difference from saving or losing a structure, and more importantly saving or losing a life.  In Kansas, we were not allowed to pass a car on the right who was refusing to pull over as we responded to a call.  We had to wait for them.  In the middle of the night on one call, a woman was not pulling over on the highway.  I could see the red lights flashing across her face from the reflection in her rear view mirror.  My partner was beside himself, yelling at her on the PA to pull over.  I don’t know if it was Dan Saft screaming or the screaming siren, but she finally glanced up in her rear view mirror and took a sharp right to pull over.

I’ve driving a lot of miles and a lot of different types of vehicles since…even a race on a dirt track and two demolition derbies.  All that being said, I ended up with what is probably an overestimated sense of my value and skills on the road.  My driving record is reasonably clean barring a speeding ticket or 2.  My love for NASCAR really speaks for itself.

I wouldn’t say that I have road rage, but I fear at times it’s dangerously close.  I have been guilty of having things fly out of my mouth while driving that ought not be said, I’m sure.  When the kids are in the car, I have found that saying things in Chinese seems to salve over those feelings that lead to horrible name calling start to peak.  It cracks the kids up, and eases my pain a bit over the stupidity and insane stuff I see every day on the road.

My family has heard me say frequently, “I’m going to start a school and call it ‘My Way Driving School’.  Because if everyone drove like me, there wouldn’t be any problems and we’d all just get along.”  I am, after all a freaking genius.

The school would require an IQ test, a working knowledge of the differences between right and left, fast and slow, stop and go, and what constitutes a parking stall.  How to read road signs, the difference between north, south, east, and west would be included.  It would involve having a plan before actually getting into the car concerning where you’re going and how you are going to get there.  I would work with congress and all of the major car manufacturers to require that a turn signal lever no longer be merely an option for cars sold, but standard equipment.  Obviously the turn signal lever is such an expensive option that not many people are able to afford them, especially in the most expensive car models.

Even though I’ve been thinking about this for years, I know I’m going to forget a few things, so feel free to comment below to include what I may have forgotten.  The left lane is not a cruising lane.  It’s for faster traffic.  Slower traffic remains on the right.  In spite of their name, “crotch rockets” are not rockets, so don’t act like they are,  and if you do, for whatever good it’s gonna do at 140 MPH, wear a helmet, and don’t do it with some girl clinging for dear life behind you. 

When the light turns green, it means it’s ok to go, so just freaking go.  When it turns yellow then red, it means stop, not hurry up (though there are some exceptions to this).   Remember your Prius is not a semi, there is no need when making a right turn to swing way left to make the turn.  Also, when making a right turn onto a side street or into a parking lot, there is really no need AT ALL to stop and block all the traffic behind you.  When turning left, and there is a turn lane running down the center of the street, use the dang thing!  That’s what it’s there for to keep traffic running smoothly.  Also, when coming to an intersection and you’re going to turn and entering the left turn lane, it’s not acceptable to do it from the right frickin lane of a 4 lane street.  (Starting to speak Chinese again…by the way, the kids ask me, “is that really Chinese?” My response, “Why yes, yes it is.” J)

When there is a merge lane when entering a highway, there is really no need to stay in it all the way to the freakin end of it, pull into traffic when there is room for you to safely do so.  When driving up on an accident or stalled car, or someone pulled over by the police, you’re not a frickin investigator, keep going, slow down enough to be safe.  The cops have it taken care of.  There’s a 99% chance you don’t know them, so let the cops do their job and keep going, especially when the action is all the way off of the highway and it’s not blocking lanes.  If you want to see blood and guts, go home and turn on your TV, you’ll get your fix.  If you want to see that wreck, go home and watch it on the news so the rest of us can get to where we’re going!

When the weather changes, why is it that it’s like there is a big sign on the highway that says, “Drive like an idiot!”  It’s just a change of weather…the road has a little water on it, a little ice on it, or a little snow.  At least where I live that is the case.  Your 4 wheel drive doesn’t make you invincible, that’s why you see that almost every vehicle upside down on their roof on a city street during bad weather is a 4 wheel drive SUV.  It’s really no different than driving on a dry surface, you just have to be a little more careful.  By the way, City of Tulsa, an inch or two of snow doesn’t constitute a blizzard.  There is really no need to shut down the city.

By all means, pull over for emergency vehicles so they can save a house or a life, or both.  Be courteous to the 18 wheeler, they are a little bit bigger than you are, and unless you’ve had to drive one through a city with drivers like you, you have no idea how frustrating it can be.  When you know the lane is ending ahead of you, don’t hurry to get to the front, the rest of us planned ahead and got over when there was an opportunity.  When a person doesn’t know the lane ends, be nice enough to let him into your lane you rude piece of work!  Be nice to elderly drivers.  You’re going to be one of those people who really don’t want to let go of one of their last bastions of independence and you’ll keep driving long after you should too.  Your reflexes won’t be as fast, so you’ll be a little more cautious too so you don’t kill yourself prematurely or someone else around you.  So honking and flipping off the old person really isn’t cool.

If you tailgate me, you might get a grill full of brake lights.  I’m going as fast as I can, or it wouldn’t be an issue.  Look at the slow traffic ahead of me.  THAT’S why I’m going so slow.  If you can get around me and seriously think you’re going to go faster than me, go around!   On the opposite extreme, plan your trip before you leave the house.  I swear, some people drive around town like they’re browsing in the mall.  Those people aren’t in the mall to get a specific thing and get out, or they wouldn’t be dinking around and standing there blocking the aisle talking to each other.  Drive like you actually have somewhere to go, or go home or pull over until you figure it out…sheesh!

Classes will be forming soon.  Hopefully classes will open up in Dallas, Atlanta, and Los Angeles, or another city near you in deep need of “My Way Driving School”.  Until then,  CSL (Chinese as a second language) classes are available at a Community College near you to help you survive your morning and evening commute.  Be safe, and drive nice!