Dad's Bits and Pieces of Wisdom

It was right before my oldest son Kyle was going to graduate from high school.  I was sitting in church and the pastor wanted everyone in the group to write a note to the graduating seniors from that church.  My sons were living with their mom at the time, and it wasn’t a weekend that they would be coming to my house.  The note was supposed to contain something we had learned from life that we could pass on to these young men and women as they were being launched out into life as a more or less independent adult.  I thought about it a little bit and began to write down a thought that came to mind.  I can’t even remember what it was, but I’m certain it was quite awesome and would be very memorable and life altering  to one of those students.  I remember thinking what a great idea that was.

When I got home that afternoon, I was reflecting on those events, and it dawned on me.  It really came down on me pretty hard.  I had written down some sage advice (what else would you expect from a freaking genius??) for some kid I didn’t even know, but had never thought about doing that for my own son who was getting prepared to face life on his own.  So I spent the afternoon sitting down at the computer and doing a lot of soul searching.  What kinds of lessons have I learned in my life that have come in pretty handy that I wish someone had told me up front.  I knew that in college and throughout life he would collect some things that would help aim and guide him (and his brothers) in the right direction.  My own reflections  of my college education made me realize that he may not collect that much there.  I mean, why would college professors want to share things with you that you could use for the rest of your life??

So I made the following list.  I put a personal letter to Kyle at the top of the page, giving him my reasons for giving him this, and a bunch of mushy dad stuff.  I’ll spare you those sentimental father details.  Subsequently I did the same for my other two sons about the time of their high school graduation.  Later, one Christmas, I had them printed on parchment so they would be a bit more of a keepsake.  The surprising thing was how much they appreciated it.  It was much more than I had expected.  My hope is that they will do the same for their children one day, and a Dougherty tradition will be continued.  Maybe some of the things I collected will be a part of it, but I want them to make it their own for my grandchildren. 

Sure, there are some things of a spiritual nature that you may feel are missing from my list.  Those things have been a part of my boys’ lives since the day they were born.  Those things I didn’t feel I had to write down.  They pretty much get it.  I want to share it with you, and maybe some of you will want to do the same for your kids.  If they’ve already graduated, that’s ok.  It’s never too late in someone’s life for good advice.   This old freaking genius still seeks it out himself.

1.      Pay now, play later

Always do the difficult things first, reward yourself with the fun things afterward.  Procrastination leads to long term hardship in the long haul.  Whatever you do, remember that payday always comes.  The price of play now, pay later is always higher.

2.      Success is a journey, not a destination

Many people have the mistaken notion that “I’ll be successful when…”  Success is the journey, not the destination.  You are already successful if you are on the road that God has mapped out for you, and the journey being taken is with honor, integrity and character.  John Maxwell says that you are successful when those who are closest to you love and respect you the most.

3.      Always do more than you have to

Jesus said to go the extra mile.  It’s called the “and then some” principle.  Always do a little bit more than you have to and your work will be marked with excellence.  If your research paper is supposed to be five pages, make it six.  If you are supposed to contact 5 clients, contact 7.

4.      Life isn’t all about you

Too many people make themselves the center of the universe with little to no concern for people around them.  Their problems are worse than others.  Their news is the best.  Life isn’t meant to bring glory to us, but to Him.  Do everything you can to put the spotlight on Him, giving credit to whom credit is due.

5.      The greatest things in life are not things

Keep perspective on material possessions.  They are all going to be left behind.  You are going to be tempted toward impatience and want to get it all in your twenties.  You’ll be tempted to put it all on credit cards and get loans.  Resist the temptation and save up and pay with cash.  Interest is high and it’s like flushing money down the toilet.  “The borrower is servant to the lender.”  (See ‘Pay now, play later’ above!)

6.      Promote civility

I have very much to say about this.  Too many people are rude and inconsiderate.  Manners are meaningless to most people.  A simple ‘please’ or ‘thank you’ (even to servers and retailers) means a lot.  Tip your servers (right now it’s 15%- just double the tax on the receipt).  If you can’t afford a tip, consider eating somewhere else.  Be flexible.  Think about how your decisions and actions affect other people.  Model civility, or I’ll hunt you down!

7.      Failure is never final

I have lots to say about this also.  Most people have truckloads of failure in their life.  You will make mistakes…many, many mistakes.  Things will not work out the way you want them to, even when you work hard to do the opposite.  There are always many failures on our journey.  It’s part of finding out what works the best.  Don’t ever make a monument to your mistakes…make them a moment.  They are not tomb stones, rather stepping stones.  Learn from them, adjust, and move on quickly.  Focusing on your mistakes only leads to self-centeredness and depression, which is a waste of the energy you need to move on.

8.      Problems will either make you bitter or better

I probably should have modeled this one better for you.  You will not only make mistakes, but you will face many problems.  You’ll face big ones and small ones.  It’s not the problem, or the size of the problem that matters, it’s how you handle them.  Don’t ignore them…problems are like a fire in the trash can…if you say, “it’s only a small fire” and ignore it, it will burn the house down eventually.

9.      Always be a learner

Your education will not end with your college graduation, it just changes shape.  Intellectual pride is a problem for many people…thinking they’ve learned all they need to know.  Never stop learning.  New evidence is always being uncovered, new discoveries constantly being made.  Learn something new every year.  Continue doing things you’ve never done before.  Put yourself in the position of being a student.  You CAN teach an old dog new tricks.

10.   Everything rises and falls on leadership

There is a great need for godly leaders in the home, church, and marketplace.  Leadership can be learned, and the skills developed.  Leadership is not just having the title of “manager” or “president”, it’s having the kinds of qualities that people are willing to follow.  It’s modeling the kind of character needed for life.  It’s going in a direction that people should go first, and having a plan of how to get to that preferred direction.  Leadership is pure servanthood.  It’s not having rights, it’s letting go of rights to serve, earning the respect of the people around you.

11.  Earn respect

You cant’ expect people to respect you if you’ve done nothing to earn it.  If you have to tell people you’re a leader, you probably aren’t…if you have to tell people you’re the boss, you probably not.  If you have to tell people to respect you, they probably won’t.  Be the kind of person people respect.

12.  The greatest assets in your life will always be people

Whatever business you end up in, remember the most important thing is not the product you are making or selling.  It’s not the service you provide.  It’s the people who help you make it happen and the people you serve.  Things depreciate in value, and people appreciate in value as you add value to them by what you give, teach, and model to them.  Remember that when I’m old…always value those who have been around the track a few more times than you have.

13.  Be strong and courageous

None of the Dougherty boys will ever forget the Joshua club.  Be strong and courageous in everything you face in life.  Don’t let the energy that fear or frustration produces keep you from facing that big issue.  Let that energy drive you head first toward that problem or issue in His presence with strength and courage.  Bravery is a lost art.  Cowardice is the scar that people wear who have been driven backward by fear.

14.  Always forgive

People will hurt you.  Some will do it maliciously, some inadvertently.  It will still hurt.  You can either carry it with you for the rest of your life and grow in bitterness and resentment, or you can make the decision to let them off the hook.  Unforgiveness is like handcuffing that person and the constant memory of pain to you the rest of your life.  It hurts you far worse than it does the other person.  Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the handcuffs and lets them walk away.  Let God deal with the other person.  He’s the only one that will deal with the person with complete and perfect justice.

15.  You don’t always have to be right

It’s simply not important to convince other people that you are right.  Arguments stop when you determine you don’t have to be right.  Relationships are more important than being right.  That doesn’t mean you have no convictions.  It means sometimes you choose to withhold your convictions or opinions when it begins to damage the relationship.  Choose a time to share your convictions when the other party is receptive.  Certainly there are times to stand up for what’s truly right.  Always ask yourself, “Is this a hill worth dying on?”

16.  Don’t sweat the small stuff

There are more things that seemed huge to me in my twenties that are really not that big of a deal.  Keep perspective.  Wisdom is seeing things from God’s perspective.  Don’t make mountains out of molehills.

17.  Develop your own faith

It’s time for you to determine what YOU really believe.  What I believe, or what other people believe is not what’s important.  The one who will be held accountable to God for what you believe is YOU.  Don’t believe everything you hear or read.  Evaluate with honesty and integrity everything in light of what God has already said.  Study the issues for yourself.  The  evidence is there to look at, and must be evaluated honestly by each of us for ourselves.  The foundation is there…now you must build on that foundation a house that will either stand or crumble through the storms of life. 

18.  Make sure your girlfriends/wife wears white socks

This one is to honor your Grandpa Dougherty.  He was a good man who was a good model of manhood, hard work, character, and responsibility.  He always asked me when I was going to go on a date, “Does she wear white socks?”  That was his way of asking, “Is she a good girl?” I’ve prayed for your girlfriend and wife to be for years now.  I’ve prayed that she would be protected and grow in grace, beauty, and faith to be prepared for you.  Grow in faith, integrity, and character for her.  I’ll be asking you, “Does she wear white socks?”

19.  Stay healthy

Exercise, eat smart, drink your water.  Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.  Keep the temple in good condition.  It’s easier for you to get healthy now, and stay that way than to try to get healthy when you’re my age. (See pay now, play later above!)  The first Dougherty boy funeral will be mine.

20.  Lock yourself into day tight compartments

A submarine has doors that close off the various compartments in case there is a torpedo or mine that hits it.  In the event of a leak, the doors to a small compartment can be closed and sealed off so the leak doesn’t sink the entire sub.  You need to do the same thing with your life.  Problems will come and torpedo your life.  Treat the days of your life like compartments in that sub.  Yesterday is one compartment, today is another, and tomorrow is yet another.  Today is the only thing you have control over right now.  Yesterday is old news…and you can’t go back.  Tomorrow is out of reach.  You are in today’s compartment.  “Let the day’s own trouble be sufficient for the day”. A bad day doesn't have to ruin your week.

21.  Honor your name

Unlike many people out there, you were named intentionally. It was given for a critical character trait.  Always remember that, and work at living up to that name.  Your last name, Dougherty is another name that must not be marred.  My grandpa Dougherty was a good man.  Your grandpa Dougherty was a good man.  I am attempting to keep the family name one of honor and respect, and my prayer for you is that you’ll do the same.  You will make mistakes as did I, my dad, and my grandpa, as well as many other Dougherty’s before them.  The big picture includes three men of faith, two of whom died well. I vow to die well for you also.  Honor your name.

FG