Theory of Relative Stupidity
"Freaking Genius" and "scientist" seem like they really should go together. I've been working on this theory for a while now. I've bounced it off a few experts in the field, and to date, I haven't had any arguments to the contrary. I haven't had any requests from professional journals to publish my thesis yet, but I'm sure those requests will start pouring in now. Years (about 25 now) of research have gone into the conclusions I've drawn. Many years of sleepless nights, blood, sweat, tears, and some wonderful medication have gone into this project. I really think that there are many other professionals who share the same theory, though it's been difficult to prove conclusively. I think I'm the first theorist who has had the courage to articulate this...you know....out loud.
The "Theory of Relative Stupidity" goes like this: Children actually come from aliens. There, I said it. And it really feels good having said it. It's like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I've been carrying this information around with me for several years now....but I wanted to make sure I had adequate research notes, experimentation, and experience before I went public with this potentially earth shattering information.
Like most parents I've stressed out over some of the crazy things my children have done. I've contemplated, "How could THAT have come from MY genes?" I started to think that I was a miserable failure. Therapy, books, books on tape, and questioning friends didn't really seem to help me shake my plummeting parental self-esteem. That's when the theory started to spawn in my cerebral cortex....OF COURSE!! It was so obvious! Right in front of my face! Those actions could not have their origins from my superior DNA!
Some crazy alien experiment is going on. Some incredibly mentally challenged species of alien beings who got kicked out of some galactic chamber of commerce and excused from their country clubs because of their stupidity and had to come up with some kind of plan to increase the IQ of their species and be allowed back into their social circles once again.
I have to be honest and say that I haven't quite figured out how they do it, or when they do it...but sometime after conception and birth, aliens render the parents unconscious and utilizing some kind of shape shifting technology, they are able to make their own alien spawn take on the identical look of our human newborn. They take our intelligent human baby somewhere to help educate their own kind and hopefully raise the woefully low IQ of that alien society.
All that to say, that stupid stuff your kids do....IT'S NOT REALLY YOUR KID!!! When I came to that realization, there was no more need for therapy, no more need for books, no more need for medication (well, that one is not necessarily true)....It's like the windows of Heaven opened up with a massive revelation. My own DNA could not have produced some of the retarded things "my kids" did. Whew!
I really started to develop the theory after the first diaper change of child #1. That black tar like substance does not come out of humans...poop is brown, not black and as thick as cold road tar.
I mean really....one of them took a trip down the stairs on cardboard only to abruptly collide into the two solid core exterior doors at the bottom of the stairs only to get back up and do it again! When a kid is hitting a tree in the back yard with a sword that has a loose hilt (handle), it takes 11 stitches across his face for him to finally believe you when you told him he shouldn't do that. What else could explain a kid being asked to take her brother's blue shirt out of the dryer one morning and WITH A BLUE SHIRT in her hand the size her brother would wear says, "I don't see a blue shirt!". After being told to take a quick look at what was in her hand, she says, "Oh I thought you mean ANOTHER blue". Are you freaking kidding me???? Where do these kids come from???? Oh yeah!
What else would explain two brothers out in the garage with wooden swords on a bitterly cold day having a sword fight. Sounds tame enough. Well....one was in the back of my Jeep, the other was standing behind the Jeep standing on the garage floor. The only thing that stood between them and clocking each other with wooden swords? Oh yeah...my PLASTIC back window. Do you KNOW what happens to plastic when it gets cold?? It gets BRITTLE, and it's not pretty when struck over and over.....and over again with wooden swords. One several hundred dollar new jeep top later, they decided that maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
One came up with a brilliant life observation on the way to school the other day. It's usually a random comment that comes out of the blue. This one was a classic: "My farts chase me. " I'm thinking, "Yeah, nothing worse than angry farts". He follows it up with, "Smell....smells goooood". What???
Yet another classic out of the research archives....how does a kid get a tooth of another kid implanted in his skull while playing a friendly kid game? I ask you, HOW?? I think the primitive little aliens must randomly try to eat the brains of their little alien friends on whatever planet they came from. Sheesh. And normal kids don't get knocked out.....running into water towers (you know who you are). "Oh, I didn't see it!" Wow!
They must get switched back at somewhere around 20 years old or so. For some it's a little longer, I understand. Some are apparently abandoned totally on our planet. They're so stupid, their own people don't even want em back. I know my originals are back, because now my kids seem to act more "normal", whatever that is. They seem to be much different now...you know, not so stupid and seemingly well adjusted young adults. I guess the Men in Black cool memory-erasing flash pen thingy is real, but the aliens have that technology. It must be true because I'm not aware of when either switch occurred.
So if you've ever wondered how in the world two people could produce something that seems more like an alien than a result of your combined DNA...well, now ya know! The Theory of Relative Stupidity is a reality.
Fine Print: Names have been left off to protect the innocent. But don't worry, THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Remember: "Everyone's a winner!"
The "Theory of Relative Stupidity" goes like this: Children actually come from aliens. There, I said it. And it really feels good having said it. It's like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I've been carrying this information around with me for several years now....but I wanted to make sure I had adequate research notes, experimentation, and experience before I went public with this potentially earth shattering information.
Like most parents I've stressed out over some of the crazy things my children have done. I've contemplated, "How could THAT have come from MY genes?" I started to think that I was a miserable failure. Therapy, books, books on tape, and questioning friends didn't really seem to help me shake my plummeting parental self-esteem. That's when the theory started to spawn in my cerebral cortex....OF COURSE!! It was so obvious! Right in front of my face! Those actions could not have their origins from my superior DNA!
Some crazy alien experiment is going on. Some incredibly mentally challenged species of alien beings who got kicked out of some galactic chamber of commerce and excused from their country clubs because of their stupidity and had to come up with some kind of plan to increase the IQ of their species and be allowed back into their social circles once again.
I have to be honest and say that I haven't quite figured out how they do it, or when they do it...but sometime after conception and birth, aliens render the parents unconscious and utilizing some kind of shape shifting technology, they are able to make their own alien spawn take on the identical look of our human newborn. They take our intelligent human baby somewhere to help educate their own kind and hopefully raise the woefully low IQ of that alien society.
All that to say, that stupid stuff your kids do....IT'S NOT REALLY YOUR KID!!! When I came to that realization, there was no more need for therapy, no more need for books, no more need for medication (well, that one is not necessarily true)....It's like the windows of Heaven opened up with a massive revelation. My own DNA could not have produced some of the retarded things "my kids" did. Whew!
I really started to develop the theory after the first diaper change of child #1. That black tar like substance does not come out of humans...poop is brown, not black and as thick as cold road tar.
I mean really....one of them took a trip down the stairs on cardboard only to abruptly collide into the two solid core exterior doors at the bottom of the stairs only to get back up and do it again! When a kid is hitting a tree in the back yard with a sword that has a loose hilt (handle), it takes 11 stitches across his face for him to finally believe you when you told him he shouldn't do that. What else could explain a kid being asked to take her brother's blue shirt out of the dryer one morning and WITH A BLUE SHIRT in her hand the size her brother would wear says, "I don't see a blue shirt!". After being told to take a quick look at what was in her hand, she says, "Oh I thought you mean ANOTHER blue". Are you freaking kidding me???? Where do these kids come from???? Oh yeah!
What else would explain two brothers out in the garage with wooden swords on a bitterly cold day having a sword fight. Sounds tame enough. Well....one was in the back of my Jeep, the other was standing behind the Jeep standing on the garage floor. The only thing that stood between them and clocking each other with wooden swords? Oh yeah...my PLASTIC back window. Do you KNOW what happens to plastic when it gets cold?? It gets BRITTLE, and it's not pretty when struck over and over.....and over again with wooden swords. One several hundred dollar new jeep top later, they decided that maybe that wasn't such a good idea.
One came up with a brilliant life observation on the way to school the other day. It's usually a random comment that comes out of the blue. This one was a classic: "My farts chase me. " I'm thinking, "Yeah, nothing worse than angry farts". He follows it up with, "Smell....smells goooood". What???
Yet another classic out of the research archives....how does a kid get a tooth of another kid implanted in his skull while playing a friendly kid game? I ask you, HOW?? I think the primitive little aliens must randomly try to eat the brains of their little alien friends on whatever planet they came from. Sheesh. And normal kids don't get knocked out.....running into water towers (you know who you are). "Oh, I didn't see it!" Wow!
They must get switched back at somewhere around 20 years old or so. For some it's a little longer, I understand. Some are apparently abandoned totally on our planet. They're so stupid, their own people don't even want em back. I know my originals are back, because now my kids seem to act more "normal", whatever that is. They seem to be much different now...you know, not so stupid and seemingly well adjusted young adults. I guess the Men in Black cool memory-erasing flash pen thingy is real, but the aliens have that technology. It must be true because I'm not aware of when either switch occurred.
So if you've ever wondered how in the world two people could produce something that seems more like an alien than a result of your combined DNA...well, now ya know! The Theory of Relative Stupidity is a reality.
Fine Print: Names have been left off to protect the innocent. But don't worry, THEY KNOW WHO THEY ARE! Remember: "Everyone's a winner!"
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