A Little Freakin' Transparency

 I got a mild walloping while at Life.Church this morning.  Most of you who have known me very long probably think I should be used to that by now.  The annual 'At the Movies' series is always a very good one.  Using clips and/or the story line from movies, the pastor knits together a very biblical sermon which is both moving and challenging.  The first of the series was no different.  Here I'll just give you the point of it, but encourage you to go to Life.Church online to view message 1.

The framework of the sermon was, "The Four Things You Need to Do What God Calls You to Do".  The four points (FOUR, not three points and not alliterated, obviously not a Baptist for all my believing friends) were these:

1. A passion that sustains you

2. A loved one to assure you

3. A friend to encourage you

4. A family to cheer you on

The smack in the face was when the pastor was talking about not letting anything (the enemy) keep you from doing what God calls you to do, and one of the specific 'callings' was writing a book.  Some of those closest to me know that I've felt the tug of God especially lately to write a book.  I'm certain of it.  I know the topic I'm to cover.  I've even started the book.  The problem is, I'll work on it in a keyboard frenzy for a few hours, then a few days or weeks later, I'll pick it up again and in a fury slam out a few more paragraphs.  

I know God has called me to do it, so why am I not getting it done?  It's not like I'm Jonah who was called to go to a major city to the EAST and instead of heading that direction immediately, he set his GPS for Tarshish which is as far the opposite direction to the WEST as you can get.  He knew what God wanted him to do, but he didn't WANT to do it.  That's not me.  I'm facing the right direction.  I've even started the journey.  I WANT to do it, I'm simply finding it difficult to consistently write.  So, bro, what's the holdup??

A couple of things dawned on me as I reflected on the words I listened to earlier today that I believe have kept me from scheduling intentional time to write and push forward with God's call to me.

Someone once said I couldn't.  Waaay back in high school I enrolled in an English literature class as an English elective.  There were several topical selections to choose from.  I chose science fiction.  I enjoyed cars and science fiction, and since racing literature wasn't really a thing, that left me with sci-fi.  We had a first year teacher who did a great job.  One thing she arranged was getting the students loaded on a bus to Wichita to see the premier of Star Wars.  Yep the first one.  When it first came out.  Yep, I'm pretty old.

One of the larger projects for a good number of points toward our grade was to write an original science fiction short story.  This was before computers, and not everyone had typewriters, so this would be hand-written.  I worked hard on it.  I was proud of the outcome.  Until after I had turned in my work and the story was graded.  I felt a little like Ralphie after he carefully crafted his theme about what he wanted for Christmas and seeing circled in red, "You'll shoot your eye out", but I would have been happier with his 'C+'.  

When I was handed the paper, I saw the bright red "D" and the words "This is too good to be your own work. What book did you copy from?"  Ouch.  I could have accepted the 'D' grade and been impressed that this newb teacher had caught me.  But it WAS my own work.  I argued my case with her, then argued my case with Mr. Charles, our principal.  He claimed he had to support his teachers' decision.  I wasn't happy.

Instead of gleaning "you must be a decent writer" from that ugly circumstance, I allowed the rejection to focus on the 'D'.  Reject me once, shame on you.  Reject me twice, good luck finding me to do so, or at least that's the way I used to play that game.  And when I say 'used to', I mean most of my life. 

I wasn't ready to write before but I am now.  But the second insight from today's sermon is that    the purpose of the book is what has held me back.  The previous account from high school wasn't the beginning of the rejection issues however it did feed them.  Here's where I'll be a little transparent.   

I was adopted at birth.  A realization started unfolding starting in my early 30's until reaching a crescendo with some transformative healing very recently.  Realistically it's been a 61 year journey, not just a 30 year trek.  It's just that the last 30 have been the conscious identification of a reality. I realized that there was a wound of which I wasn't aware until mid-life, but had affected many areas of my life in some very profound ways.  The details will be in the book, but for now I'll say that I medicated that pain in so many ways which were so detrimental to my life, my success, relationships that I couldn't hold together.  Everything that happened to me was interpreted as rejection.  I had developed a hypersensitivity to rejection and could make it appear where it didn't exist.  

No one would know who I was because if they saw the flaws that caused the first and ultimate rejection, they'd reject me to.  I held my 'self' back.   I became a pleaser, a liar, a social chameleon, and was involved in activities and relationships that I felt like I could control.  It's not as if I were a drastically different person, most probably couldn't tell.  Finally, and thankfully, after many years of self torture, failed relationships,  self-sabotage, and so many other problems, I found healing and transformation.  That will be in the book too if you want details.

The purpose of the book is mainly for adoptees, but could be for anyone who has been deeply wounded by rejection, who have made a mess of their lives as a result, and want to find the path toward wholeness, healing, and ultimately acceptance.

So why can't I write it?  What if it's not good?  What if people don't like it?  What if it's not helpful?  Fear of rejection and avoiding rejection are the point of the book.  No one can reject an unwritten book.  That also applies to blog posts.

Ok, so it takes a while to rid yourself of a 61 year habitual way of thinking and to let the healing drive you apparently. The saying 'Old habits die hard' is very real.  Does it matter if folks like it, or does it matter than I do what I believe with full confidence that God wants me to do?  

So I write this little piece today to confess and to make my future writing intentions a bit more public.  When I get finished publishing this post, I'm going to schedule the writing of the book.  I will consistently work on and finish the project. Although I would sincerely like to help a lot of people - even if it's just one, that's ok  - it really doesn't matter what anyone thinks of it except for the One who called me to do the work and who one day on the other side of this life will say "Well done".  FG