Polar Bears and Pork Skins

I suppose it was inevitable.  It is December after all.   Since the garage is packed full of remains of the death of a small business, the cars are in the driveway.  That means the cars are vulnerable to the frost, freezing rain, sleet, snow, or the occasional low-life  who decides that the interior of my car needs cleaned out. 

A side note on the 'burglary' thing…the last time my car was examined by a crook, they emptied the receipts, insurance verifications, etc., out of my glove box, emptied the junk out of my console, and emptied the Wal-Mart sack full of trash I had in the back floorboard.  The least the sticky fingered creep could've done was taken the trash to the dumpster…I mean it's only 5 steps in front of my  bumper beside the garage!   He (I guess he could have been a she?) took my phone charger and my prescription bifocal glasses.  Why would anyone steal prescription glasses??  Granted they had fantastically stylish Randy Jackson frames, but unless their eyesight sucks as bad as mine does now, I have no idea how they would be helpful.  Maybe one day I'll probably run across someone in the neighborhood wearing fantastically stylish Randy Jackson frames with the lenses popped out, but looking really cool.  Long side note complete. 

I don't like cold weather.  No, I hate cold weather.  I don't like having to wait for my car to warm up…I'm not the most patient person in the world.  And it seems to take forever for any warmth to come out of those vents.  Scraping ice and frost isn't my most favorite job either.  I've been known to travel down the road with portholes…you know…you've done it at least once yourself.  You take time to scrape a 1-2 foot in diameter spot on each of your front, rear, and side windows because you're ready to GO!  Not the most brilliant idea in the world, but sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. 

Then there are wintertime drivers…ugh!  From the time I was 14 (which was when you could get a drivers license in Kansas waaay back in the old days) I was driving on mud (our dirt roads), snow, and ice.  Pavement is a piece of cake compared to the road between the farm and school I travelled those growing up years.  But I'll save my driving rants for another blog post someday…that'll be a real TREAT!

The biggest thing is, I just don't like being cold.  I HATE being cold.  For those of you who will inevitably say, "Everyone gets less tolerant to cold as they grow older.", I'll say I'm not on blood thinners (yet), my blood oxygen is still good (so far), my skin isn't (too) thin…I've NEVER liked cold weather.

 I've wondered if it's because I had to work in it when I was growing up on the farm.  The hogs always needed the same things as humans do, food, water, and a clean place to sleep.  The problem was, we had to do all of that for them (selfish pigs).  It didn't matter how cold it was or how much it was snowing, raining, or sleeting, they still had to have those things.  Those were the days I wanted to sue the 'no freeze watering system' manufacturers for false advertising.  Something ironic and evil about having to break the ice on a 'no freeze watering system'.  FAIL!  Then…how do I put this in a less gross way?...the cleaning out of the hog barns.  Why do pigs poop where they sleep??  There's a whole lot of dirt or concrete they can 'do their business' on, and they choose to poop where they sleep??  And pigs are supposed to be the smartest animal.  I beg to differ.

My point is, all of that had to be done while my feet, hands, ears, nose and just about everything else were getting frostbitten.  Then Mr. Freakin Genius leaves the farm and goes to the fire department.  You say, "But fighting fire in the winter, you at least have fire to stay warm."  Well, the point of the fire department is to put that sucker out.  I couldn't ever say (as much as I was tempted), "Let's just keep this part of the house burning so I can stay warm."  Captain Mac would've frowned on that.  What do you use to fight fire?  And what happens when there's a -40 degree wind chill?  Ice in your boots, in your gloves, and forming a hard shell on your bunker coat and pants. 

Everyone was complaining during Infernorama 2011 in Oklahoma.  Not me.  I don't mind hot weather at all, not even scorching hot weather.  People tell me that you can always put on more layers, but you can't always take them off.  BALONEY!  You sure can….I've done it!  I'd rather not walk around like the kid brother on "A Christmas Story" like a bloated tick and STILL freezing to death.  And on this 18 degree Oklahoma morning, while looking on Facebook, what do I see?  I see pictures posted from the trip my son and his wife are on…from the Cayman Islands.  THE CAYMAN ISLANDS.  A picture of a white sandy beach, the gorgeous blue water of the Caribbean, lounge chairs, and lots of clear sky and sunshine.  I have on a t-shirt and a long sleeve shirt, indoors, and I'm still cold!  He is soooo out of the will!

 
I'm sure one day when I get to heaven, I'll find out what the value of cold weather really is.  I'm still thinking it's a consequence of the fall of mankind, but can't be totally sure.  Whatever the case is, I'll chatter and bear it and accept it as a part of life.  I can't stop it, believe me if I could, I would.  I'll keep trying that crazy "put on another layer" theory just because there really isn't another choice.  I love being around our extended family, even if they do prefer polar climates.  So moving to the Caymans probably isn't an option for now.  Until then, you may be dreaming of a white Christmas, but I'll be dreaming of a sunny spring.